Don't Go
by Kinoki
Summary: AU Usagi, after suffering a loss, decides to explore another life far away, with another language, and a new baby.


**Don't Go**

--+--

Be strong. Don't cry. So what if daddy just died? Why? I don't understand, is _this_ life? This is life before its over - in the blink of an eye. You're a baby, a child until you're grown and then - what? This is stupid. Life? Its a joke! Shingo is only thirteen! Unlucky thirteen! At least I'm grown. Grown enough to understand, everyone says. Monie took his camera, locked it away. I stole a dress shirt from their when she wasn't around. The funeral - bigger than I thought it would be. I had no idea he'd had that many friends, that so many people would come and pay their respects. The casket was _ugly_. Mama said what he wanted didn't matter. But it does!

He wouldn't want people to see him that way. He'd want us all to remember him as cheery, and enthusiastic. Roses didn't suit him, yet there they were in the spray. Mama said I couldn't wear odango at the service. I cried all last night, wishing Mamo-chan could better understand. He couldn't remember his family. Lucky. Daddy loved my odango! He hated me in black, yet here I am. I hate that Minako! She only came to spend time with her friends. I told her to leave, as she and the rest of them stood nearby my father chatting. They said mean words to me, said I deserved to lose him. Then they were gone. I was angry, but the smile was there as I looked at daddy. The casket was too big, the flowers were almost touching him from the closed end. It was as though he were sinking into it. Into death, I mean. I can see the discoloring in his forehead, a bit darker than in his jaw and cheekbones. I wish they'd kept his glasses on. He was so blind without them, I don't think he should be blind on the way to heaven.

Mama grabbed me from behind, pulling me away from daddy. She led me to our other family members, and I could tell she hadn't looked at him once. The day he died, the police wouldn't let her see him. Said it wouldn't be good for her, and that it was a crime scene. Only gloved people were allowed passed the tape. I bet mama wished she had gloves on. Shingo was there, sitting on the curb, crying silently. I didn't cry, because I had to be tough. He's a punk, but I'm still his big sister. I saved all my tears for the moon at night. Shingo leaned into me when I sat down next to him, his crying suddenly becoming loud and full. Mama came over to us, but stood, saying something about Monie coming.

Monie, so young and vibrant! She's blusterous, hyper, and huge. We'd only been at the office for ten minutes when she appeared. This wasn't the Monie I was used to though, tears streaked her face, her mascara flying around her face as she wiped furiously at the onslaught of tears.

"Where's Kenji-kun!?" she cried to the officers, even looking to my mother, who looked away pointedly. The officers led her away, eventually coming back for my mother. Monie's sobs erupted not long after, and even now I can't get them out of my head.

The obituary didn't mention mama, I guess it would be weird to list the ex-wife. Monie put in the baby's name, Tsukino Hide, even though the baby wasn't to come for another few weeks. Mama was being unusually nice to Monie, and offered to plan the services and pay for them. Monie was quiet and frail now, no good mother-to-be. So that was it, mama took care of everything, and I only saw her once in a while during the week. The only thing Monie agreed with mama on was traditional burial, even though the director said he should be cremated. Why should daddy be turned to ash? He didn't do anything wrong! The funeral director said we could go see daddy before anyone else. Mama said no, that we couldn't. I wouldn't have wanted to anyway.

Monie gave me a copy of the paper that Sunday. A picture of him smiling was there, I bet this was expensive. She looked like she would explode, and waddled around a lot. Others in the room would sit her down constantly, saying she should rest her back and legs. She'd get up anyway. At the memorial, she didn't move much. It must've been weird, having so many people touching you and hugging you. Some probably thought she was a home wrecker, I didn't care anymore about that. It didn't matter who daddy was married to if he was dead.

What mattered was that I was his daughter. I was blood, unlike those two women. Minako and her friends stopped talking to me after daddy died. I mean, they used to be my friends, but they didn't want to stick around and deal with me. I was an inconvenience, I suppose. Mamo-chan was the only one still good to me.

"Usako," Mamo-chan whispered to me,"do you want to kiss your father goodbye?"

I clung to him, looking at daddy, I was afraid of him. How he would feel. Daddy was warm, not very strong, but tough enough to chase away monsters under the bed for years. Lecture me on my relationship with Mamo-chan and my grades. Attempt to cook when mama was sick. He once cut up a turkey with an axe. I shook my head no, one touch would be too much. Those happy memories could crumble away to nothing. I wanted them around forever. Until I died, anyway.

Everyone was leaving now, and I was glad Minako and them were already gone. We went to find my brother, who was sitting in another room, crying. We get to look forward to the burial tomorrow. I rode in a limousine for the first time. This is the only time I've owned black clothing. A lot of people wore other colors, strangely enough. I watched the ugly casket go into the ground. I didn't cry until I looked at daddy's friends and boss' faces. Some were grown men, a couple of military officers were there as well, I wished they'd soluted. But daddy wasn't a veteran. He was just a photographer. A man who once had a wife and two children. Now he'd had Monie and Hide, who would be alone, just like we've been since he left mama.

Some Americans were there afterwards, which I thought odd. I knew daddy could speak english well, but I don't remember him ever going overseas. Maybe these people lived here. I saw Monie walk up and hug them. She called them mom and dad. I wish I could still say dad out loud. But I would look stupid, because people would know he's gone, that I'm half an orphan. I'm and orp, as depressing and dreadful as that can be. This was the first funeral I'd ever been to. Monie must be adopted, maybe her real dad didn't want her. Grandpa was here, daddy's mom was already gone. Grandpa probably thought he would die long before any of his children. If he thought that, he was wrong.

Daddy was in the ground. Its cold and hard, I'm sure. He liked soft bedding. I remember when he would call me his pillow and crush me when I laid on his bed. He'd exclaim that I was a lumpy pillow.

"There's something wrong with this pillow, Ikuko!" he called to mama, who was in the bathroom. I laughed as he grabbed and tickled me. "Its very noisy!"

I'm not noisy anymore. I don't say much, not even to Mamo-chan. Thats why Minako and her friends can say mean things now. I don't do anything. Just listen. Stupid of me, to listen to them. Like what they say matters. Nothing anyone says matters! It doesn't matter if you're alive or dead! People don't care about you that much, mama didn't care at all about what daddy wanted! Then I don't care about mama.

Shingo went back to school after the week passed. I stayed home with mama, who tried a few times to talk to me. I didn't care about her though, so I wouldn't say anything. If she told me to do something, I would. If she asked me to walk Shingo home from school, I would. He got better, he'd talk about his friends and teachers to mama. They stopped talking to me. A month passed, mama told Shingo that Monie went to America.

Why? She lived there. Her mother died after she was born, and a family took her in and they all went to the United States. She grew up on the east coast, in some tiny town that no one has ever heard of, probably. Monie would call mama, and tell her about how it was to live there. She'd call each week, asking if we'd like to visit. Monie was too nice, we weren't her real family. But she must not understand that, since she wasn't raised by her real family. It must've confused her or something. Mama would always decline. I stayed in my room all morning, and came out for lunch. Mama stopped cooking for me, said I was grown. If I wouldn't spend time with her, I had to fend on my own. The divorce changed mama. Made her hard, kind of. I don't know if my old mama was still inside her, but if she was, you couldn't tell.

I stopped accepting Mamo-chan's calls. I didn't feel like looking at him anymore. His texts kept coming, and I'd delete them before reading. I was tempted to before, but when I'd think about how he'd proposed to me a week before daddy died, I'd get a sick feeling. I was only eighteen! I said yes, at the time, of course. But with everything going on, it was like I wasn't ready. This made me realize that I wasn't grown, even though I was, you know? After the burial I told him I'd changed my mind. He seemed okay, taking into consideration my condition. We'd never expected any of this. Now that I think about it, this was pretty damn selfish of daddy.

I mean, we'd just been to the movies! Harry Potter had just come out, and I decided that before we went back to Mamo-chan's apartment, that we should stop by my house and pick up the last one. Mama's friend, Junko was outside. I saw the strange look on her face, and knew something was wrong.

"You don't know?" she asked. God, I'll never forget her saying that, like that. How it made me wonder why nobody _had_ told me.

"Everyone's at your father's office. He had a heart attack half an hour ago." she told me solemnly. "I'm watching your brother, and I'll take him over when Ikuko calls. You should wait here too."

But I didn't. I was grown, so we left. Mamo-chan heard her, and took off as soon as I got in. I wasn't crying yet, even though I was scared. Butterflies were in my stomach, and Mamo-chan kept asking me if I was alright. I laughed. Lately I spent my nights with Mamo-chan, and the night before we'd gotten into an argument. Whenever that happened, I'd go home, and we would make up the next day after some rest. The night before I was locked out, forgetting my key. Mama was probably knocked out, so instead I went to daddy and Monie's house, since Shingo was spending the night there anyway. He was up, playing some game. I'd calmed down enough after a while and was getting ready to leave when daddy walked out. He'd been sleeping, and wanted a midnight snack. I noticed his hair first, how he'd let it get pretty shaggy. Mama would go on about it in the house, how he must have thought it was either cool or made him look young. I'd been telling him myself that it looked silly, and he should shave it off already. So when he came out of his room, head clean, I smiled and laughed.

"I see you finally cut your hair, daddy." he snorted derisively, and Monie waddled out of the room, he handed her some yogurt.

"I didn't cut it," Monie smacked him upside the head lightly, and winked at me.

"Good night,"

I grabbed my keys, and hugged my dad for the last time.

"Good night Bunny,"

--+--

Mamo-chan mentioned that it was good we fought that night. Because if we hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to hug my daddy goodnight. It was a Tuesday night, and daddy had died Wednesday. I can't remember what the fight was about in the first place, and it seemed like such a big deal then. Now things like that were water under the bridge, or dirt in the ground. I think I hate my mom. She's started spoiling Shingo, and no one ever did that for me. Now I was alone, and no one was here to talk to me. But thats how I like it, better to be left alone. Whats the point of getting close to people now, when they'll just up and leave at any given time? I mean, daddy didn't choose to leave, but if he'd tried harder maybe he would still be here.

I'd like to know if it was painful for him. I don't know very much about heart attacks, just that they're all different. Some are long, others quick. How long was he dead before anyone found him? What was his last thought? Did he think of me? Of Shingo or his baby-to-come? Did he have any regrets? Was he happy? I'm angry that I don't know! He should've been on a deathbed first, surrounded by the people who love him! I should've given him a real goodbye, or said I love you when I last saw him. But I didn't. I didn't have the time, and neither did he.

Someone called in a bomb threat that day. To his office, when we were there the cops were searching the building and no one was allowed in. I thought daddy was in there. But he wasn't. The building was evacuated, and he'd been the one who made sure everyone was out. A coworker told me something I didn't want to hear. Daddy had been running, probably frantic, wondering if everyone was safe, the security cameras recorded him running through the hallways. He wasn't fit, or that healthy. His cholesterol was high, so maybe that had something to do with it. If he hadn't been running, maybe he'd be alive.

Daddy was in the back when they found him. Outside, where a wooded area began, I don't even know if he was face down or looking up into the sky. The police gave Monie his phone, I took it from her. Emails and texts were left around 2 that afternoon. It was almost four. His boss and coworkers were asking him where he was, if everything was alright. Monie had called several times, leaving voicemails. I didn't know his password though, so I couldn't listen to them. His boss, Taro-Taro, as we called him, had forewarded a message to everyone that he'd passed away, and had helped build their company over the years to what it was. He said to keep the Tsukino family in their prayers. It was nice, and seeing my dad's name written there made my tears fall for the first time. Who was the Tsukino family? Was it Monie and their baby girl? Just his current family, and not his past one? I deleted the messages before slipping the phone into Monie's purse. She didn't need to see them.

At the memorial service, people kept talking about him. Telling stories and jokes about him, always speaking in the past tense. I didn't want to hear it, and walked away. I talked about daddy in the past tense too, and I hated myself for it. I hated to just think about the fact that he was dead, and gone. I'd never get to feel another one of his hugs, hear his laugh, get my picture taken. I wish I'd gotten married to Mamoru by then, so he could be at my wedding. There wouldn't be anyone to walk me down the aisle, or make faces at my babies.

They wouldn't understand that, they only remember silly things, business things. I saw the real Tsukino Kenji! He was my dad, and he loved me very much! He didn't love any of those people like he loved me, I had real stories to tell, not that they cared about kiddie tales. Everyone put on smiles and talked and chatted, consoled Monie, mama not so much. It was probably weird for her, but that wasn't my problem. When Monie called, she would get slightly annoyed. Until finally she yelled at her, telling her not to call ever again. Two weeks past and we figured the woman was out of our lives. I'd never seen my mother so angry, or heard her speak in such shrill tones. It was a bit scary, and I cleared from the room fast. I heard her telling Monie that they weren't family, so there was no reason for her to keep calling.

As much as I hated my mother now, and I was sure I'd hated her, I agreed that the other woman had no business with us.

June came. The phone was ringing one hot, sunny morning. I heard it ring, and then Monie's voice came over the answering machine.

"Hello? Usagi? Shingo?" she called tentatively, "Can I talk to one of you?"

She never asked for us before. She only ever talked to my mom. I waited for Shingo to answer, but the tone beeped and she was cut off. The phone rang again. The answering machine came on several more times, as she kept calling for almost an hour. I guess the others were gone, and wasn't sure it that was a good thing. I didn't want to hear my mother's wrath again, so that woman needed to stop calling. I picked up a book, not caring about what it was, and began to read. I blocked out the ringing until it was quiet. I was satisfied, and went out of my room for lunch.

That night, Shingo stayed over at a friend's house for the first time in months. I left after night fell, and made my way to the arcade. Motoki still worked there, and it certainly had been a while since I'd last visited, but I was afraid of running into Mamoru around here. I played the Sailor V game for a good while, and bought a milkshake from someone who was probably new. Behind me, Motoki came downstairs. Minako and her friends followed, and they stopped when they saw me. I turned in my seat as Motoki called my name. Rei came up to me, her long dark hair flowing freelly behind her back.

"What are you doing here, bitch?" Rei snarled at me, "Go back to moping in your bedroom, loser."

"Go cry to your mommy, little girl," Makoto said coolly.

"Girls!" Motoki exclaimed, "Leave her alone, she's going through a tough time right now--"

"Bye, Motoki," was all I said as I put down my milkshake and ran from the building. I walked home as fast as can be considered walking, not stopping until I was in the kitchen, about to grab some yogurt. I noticed a pair of glasses on the counter. They weren't my dad's, though I thought they were. I frowned, and went to my bedroom quietly. I laid in my bed until I fell asleep. I woke the next morning, hearing a car door shut. A tiny red car was pulling from the driveway, and I saw a young man with glasses drive off.

I thought I was angry before. Now, I wasn't sure what exactly this was. I think I was furious, outraged, shocked. I didn't want to look at my mom. I made a quick decision, and the next thing I know, my mom was shouting at me.

"You're going to leave!? She'd not even family! You can't speak english that well!" I carried a suitcase down the hall to my room. "You've never been farther than Kyoto!"

I was feeling proud of myself, I'd called Monie, and surprise - the baby had been born. Tsukino Hide, six pounds, 8 ounces. She was beautiful, Monie gushed, and wanted us to meet her. Obviously the baby couldn't fly, so she wanted us to stay with her for the summer. I was sure Shingo wouldn't be going, mom would never let him. But I thought it was a good idea, I could get away from all the people and sights I couldn't stand, and Monie would have the help she needed with the baby. Apparently newborns were tough to handle. I tuned out my mother's voice, and packed up as much as I thought I needed.

"She's just using you!" were the last words I heard my mother say as I walked out the door. Shingo was playing outside when he saw me with my suitcase. He ran up and I gave him a brief, awkward hug.

"Bye, I'll be back at the end of the summer, kiddo. I love you," and he gave me a weird look, as though he was going to cry.

"Bye, sis. Love you too,"

With that, I was gone. Just like daddy.

--+--

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, or Harry Potter.**


End file.
